Not-so-happy camper...

     So, Tuesday I had an appointment with the cardiologist.  I had a huge list of questions for him and I was hoping to get some positive answers.  I just wanted to know that I could do "normal" stuff again.  I was none too enthused when he crushed my hopes of getting better soon.  He was also very cold and not too optimistic about my approach to natural healing.  I want to go to the chiropractor, he said, "That doesn't really work.  It's only psychological."  I wanted to start taking some supplements.  He said "They won't work, it's a waste of money".  I have been wanting a new tattoo for more than 5 years now, and I have found the perfect design that represents me and the struggles that I have been through in the last few months. He said, "I wouldn't recommend it."  (I think that was more of a personal preference on his part and not so much a medical reason.)  He also said that I needed to stop eating so much broccoli because it is screwing up the results of my blood tests (it has to do with the Coumadin that I am on). That stinks because the only thing that tastes good without salt is COOKED BROCCOLI! Did he offer a solution to my predicament? Nope.  He just said either to eat it EVERY single day, or not at all.  I understand why, but I don't get why he didn't suggest something for a compromise.  :(

     I was fairly angry with him at this point, but got plain ol' pissed off when he made his next comment.  He asked me if I was breastfeeding!  I almost fell out of my chair.  Did he completely forget that he was the one who told me NOT to breastfeed Evan when I went home from the hospital?!?!  Did he forget that HE said that the medications I would be on would leach into the breast milk and make Evan sick?!?!  I was so angry!  HE was the one who prescribed the meds!!!!  Was he saying what I think he was saying?, that I COULD have breastfed Evan when I was released?  Why didn't he tell me that, why didn't anybody tell me it was OK????  :(  I can't believe he let me pump and dump and get Evan all situated with formula when I could have been giving my son the best nourishment possible this whole time! 

     As I waited for more unwanted words to come out of his mouth, I sat and thought for a minute that maybe I needed to find a new cardiologist.  I need someone who is going to be on the same wavelength with me, or rather someone who I wouldn't mind being on the same wavelength with.  I wouldn't mind one who is female who would be better able to answer my female questions.  And I wouldn't mind one who would be more open to "natural" healing and such.  I needed someone who was going to be more in tune to my thoughts and feelings about this whole condition and new lifestyle.

     After what seemed like an hour of wasting my breath asking questions that he seemed to not really want to answer, the cardiologist said he was adding ANOTHER medication (to my already long list of drugs!) since I WASN'T breastfeeding of course.  He said that it is supposed to help keep my blood pressure low since it had been a bit high. I am already taking one that helps lower it so I am not quite sure why he wants me to take another one, but I guess since I'm not the doctor I don't have much say in the matter.  I discovered, however, that after taking it just once that it makes my blood pressure drop way down, 88-99 over 65-70.  The last time my BP was that low was when I was in the ICU and it made me dizzy and I almost passed out.  It worries me a bit.  I can't be on a medication that might potentially make me pass out.  Especially when I am the sole caregiver for Evan during the day. I think that it just makes me nervous.  And I really don't need ANY other stuff added to my list of things that make me nervous or anxious right now. 

     I go back to see the cardiologist in a month, so we'll see what happens then.

New Blog

I decided to start a new blog in the hopes of helping other people who may be in a situation similar to mine.  It is still under a bit of construction, but I do have some helpful information posted in the mean time. :)  Enjoy!

http://tastes-like-cardboard.blogspot.com/

It's been a while...

     It has been a while since I posted anything, so I decided I should try while Evan is content at the moment.  To fill you all in on the goings on lately, I will start with the beginning of May.  Evan had his very first sleepover (on purpose) with my mom and dad so Aaron and I could get a good nights sleep.  It was weird.  I missed Evan, but knew that I needed the sleep.  I had my very first Mother's Day.  It was nice.  Aaron and I stayed at home for dinner, it is just easier for me to cook because of my special diet.  We watched some movies and I think I even went to bed early. :) 
     I am still doing well with my diet, fluid restriction and remembering to take my medications.  My blood pressure is where it should be, and I am maintaining my weight.  I really have been doing well, but the other day something happened. All of a sudden I didn't feel right.  I got a little light headed and dizzy, so I took my nighttime medication since it was time, and I checked my blood pressure.  It was elevated and so was my pulse. I sat down and tried to focus my breathing hoping it would help.  I was scared. I thought I was having a relapse.  I called the cardiologist who was on-call and he said it wouldn't be a bad idea to go to the ER and get checked out.  It is amazing how fast you get seen in the ER when you have a heart condition.  We waited 2 minutes at the most and the waiting room was PACKED.  After tests and chest x-rays, and blood-work, and seeing a few doctors, I was released.  It was deduced that I was having a bit of an anxiety attack.  They gave me some Ativan and sent me home.  I don't know if it worked that night, because by the time we got home, it was 3 am, so I slept like a baby regardless of what they gave me.  Plus, my mom and dad too Evan home with them for the night so he didn't have to stay in the hospital with us. I was given a small Rx for Ativan, but I can only take it at bedtime since it makes me sleepy.  I have an appointment with my regular Doctor tomorrow afternoon to follow up.  I am hoping she gives me something that I can take for this anxiety that won't hinder my ability to function and be a mom.  We'll see how it goes. :)

An End to a Beginning...

     I believe that God will only give me what I can handle and no more.  I think that I have handled all that He has given me, the best I can.  I am sticking to my nutritional guidelines. (I have had enough of writing down every little thing that I put in my mouth!)  I am attempting to exercise.  (Its kind of hard with a newborn, but we're trying to get the hang of the Moby wrap.) All the while, I'm trying my hardest to be a great mom.  I am just 6 weeks post-partum, so I would have to say that I am doing quite well under the circumstances.  Evan and I are trying to get ourselves into a daily routine.  I tend to mess it up sometimes when I pick him up while he's sleeping.  I just I feel the need to be close to him.  I still can't believe that God allows us to make such amazing creatures, and he even let me keep just the perfect one for our family.  It has definitely been an emotional roller coaster for us, to say the least, but I just keep smiling and try to be a good wife and mom.

     I am ever so grateful for all that I have.  I have a beautiful baby boy who already has the most gentle soul.  I have an amazing husband who is willing to do anything for his family.  I have a loving and caring family who I wouldn't trade for the world.  Even though I have all of this, I still find myself somewhat resentful.  I get angry that so many women out there can have all the babies they want, yet they take it and their children for granted.  So many women don't enjoy the time they spend growing their child within their womb.  I miss that part the most I think.  The ability to feed and grow another human life, knowing that you are the sole provider for all of their needs and that you are their ultimate protector.  I cried when I came home from the hospital and had to put away all of my maternity clothes, some of which were almost brand new.  I had lost so much weight that I was able to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes already. I weigh less now than I did BEFORE I got pregnant with Evan. Aaron tried to help by saying how much fun it would be to go shopping and get new clothes for myself now that I was smaller.  For a lot of women, they can't wait to get their old shape back.  For me, I wish I was still big and fat with a post-baby belly.  I put my favorite outfits into a container and put them in storage along with my hopes and dreams of ever being able to wear them again.    I didn't really think much of it after that.  I was trying to get on with my life.  I was happy being a mommy and I was busy doing mommy and Evan things.

     I had a bittersweet moment earlier today though while I was putting away Evan's clean clothes.  I realized that some of them were NOT going to fit him anymore. We were worried  at his last Dr. appointment that he wasn't quite growing enough.  We really shouldn't have been worried.  I had no idea how fast he would grow.  He has gained 2 pounds since his 1 month check-up, and is now in size 1 diapers.  We are so happy that he is growing and doing well. He has outgrown most of his newborn clothes.  A lot of them were in the wash when we had to switch to the 0-3 month clothes.  As I was setting them aside from the rest of the clothes, I stopped for a minute and imagined Evan wearing them just a short week before.  I remembered having to go out and buy newborn stuff when he was born because he was just too small for all of the things we had for him to wear.  He was so itty bitty.  His tiny little hands and feet.  His skinny little arms and legs.  I had a hot flash, and a wave of nausea rolled over me.  I literally felt sick to my stomach.  It had finally hit me...I'm not going to be pregnant again.  I won't be able to feel the most amazing feeling of kicking and moving inside of me.  I won't feel the joy of bringing another life into this world.  I had wanted so badly to have a big family and I had such an amazing birth experience with Evan.  The thought NEVER occurred to me that it might just be the three of us.  I felt cheated.  I cried.  I cried hard and held Evan close so I could smell him and lavish him with kisses.  And then I cried some more.  I will probably continue crying every time Evan outgrows another batch of clothes, or when he starts to crawl, or walk or do anything for the first time.  I guess it is all just part of the healing process for me.

     I AM grateful.  No, I am more than grateful.  I am beyond blessed that God has given me the greatest gift He could possibly give someone.  He has bestowed upon me, the gift of Motherhood.  I couldn't have asked for anything more special than the honor of raising a child.  I have the opportunity to share my love with another human being in a way that I never thought was possible.  I  have the privilege to share with Evan all the wonders of the world and so much more.  I can only hope that someday I will be well enough to share my love with another child.   If that doesn't happen, I will still cherish every single moment that I am able spend with Evan, for the rest of my life.

The Next Chapter

   My prayers were answered that Tuesday morning, and I was so wrong about what I was actually capable of doing. Aaron went back to work a few weeks ago and it is finally starting to feel like we are a real family.   I am a fully functioning member of society.  I can take care of Evan better than anyone else in the world can.  I am eating healthier because of my heart condition and am monitoring myself well.  It has been 1 month since our nightmare ended and I was released from the hospital. It's been an interesting ride to say the least.  I have an appointment to see the cardiologist in a few weeks to see how I am doing.  I hope he decides to do some tests to see how well my heart is now.  It will be nice to see if my hard work has paid off. :) 

     Evan is doing great. He is growing like a weed and changing every single day.  I have decided to take a picture of him every day until he is a year old.  I wanted to take pictures so I don't miss out on anything. We went to the orthopedic surgeon @ U of M the other day and she says that Evan is just fine.  As of right now he does NOT need surgery on his legs.  We couldn't be happier.  She doesn't deal with  the cosmetic part of ABS, so she is referring us to a hand surgeon that she works with to check out his hand.   Now we are just waiting for their phone call.




One day old




Two weeks old




Almost 6 weeks old


  

Going Home

     All I wanted was to go home.  I missed my baby and I missed my husband.  I wanted get home so I could finish unpacking and organizing our new place. I wanted to start being a real family in our new home.  I was tired of being hooked up to IVs.   One of the medications that I was on was a diuretic that was used to help get rid of the extra fluid in my body.  It drained 20+ pounds from my body in a very short amount of time.  I literally felt drained.  My muscles were weak, my bones hurt, and my skin felt floppy.  My arms were sore from all of the blood draws and IV lines.  I wanted so desperately to take a shower and scrub off all the yuck from the adhesive stickies they used to monitor me.  I just wanted to put on some of my own clean jammies. 

     After several days of terrible news, I received the best news ever on Tuesday.  My cardiologist came to see me in the morning and told me that if my blood tests came back the way he wanted them too, I would get to go home.  Finally after what seemed like an eternity, my nurse came in and said it was time to pack up.  It took a little while to get discharged.  They had to give me all kinds of information for me to read about heart health that I had to take home.  They gave me orders to monitor my weight, blood pressure, and diet on a daily basis.  I also was given all kinds of prescriptions that I had to take.  By early afternoon, I was being wheeled towards the EXIT.  I was finally going home.  I was a little nervous.  It was a bit surreal.  I had wanted to go home so bad but now that I was in the car on my way to see my family, I was unsure if I was ready.  I was scared that I wouldn't be able to take care of Evan well enough.  I was afraid that I wasn't strong enough. 

     When I got home, I was greeted with flashes of light.  My family was there to welcome me home.  It was a such a warm reception.  Many surprises awaited me.  Sometime while I was in the hospital, my brother in-law and some friends of ours took it upon themselves to help unpack our apartment and move in new furniture for us.  I couldn't believe my eyes.  I also was surprised to see a brand new bed and box spring courtesy of my God parents and Aunt and Uncle.  I was beyond grateful.  I never really knew how much I meant to people.  It was nice to finally be home.  I was so glad that my family was there to share in my homecoming. I am so thankful for them and all of our friends who were there for Aaron and Evan while I was away.  Thank you, you know who you are.  :)

When my world fell apart...

     I felt so alone. I needed to be with my husband and I needed to be with my baby.  I just wanted to go home.  I was uncomfortable and afraid.  I was on so much nitroglycerin that I got migraines.  I have never had one before, and hope to never have one again. They had to gave me morphine to relieve the pain.  I slept for a few hours at a time, but as soon as I woke up, the migraines returned.  They would give me more morphine and I would go back to sleep.  I had to get my blood drawn 2-3 times a day, even when I was sleeping.  I was still on oxygen and I was getting my blood pressure checked every 15 minutes.  It was still fairly high, so they couldn't take me off any of the medication or IVs.  I had a lot of visitors.  My Aunts and Uncle drove through the night and into the wee hours of the morning to come see me and Evan.  It was so nice of them to want to be there for us, and for the rest of my family too. 

     I felt like the main attraction in a circus.  There were tons of new doctors coming in to see me all the time, OBs, General Docs, Interns, and Cardiologists.  Everyone asked the same questions.  They all wanted to listen to my heart and my lungs.  Not one of them came to see me more than once.  It was just annoying.  I was tired of being hooked up to machines.  I felt like they a pincushion. I was bored and exhausted and just wanted to go home and be a new family with Aaron and Evan.  After my blood pressure had gone down a little, and I wasn't on as much nitroglycerin, I was finally able to get out of my bed and sit in a chair.  Then a new Cardiologist, Dr. Yoo, came in and explained what needed to happen in order for me to be healthy enough to go home.  I was NOT prepared for what came out of his mouth.  He told me that I would NOT be able to breastfeed Evan when I went home because I would be on medication for a long time,  I started to cry.  He then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't have any more children because I would have a relapse and it would probably kill me.  I was crushed.  I hadn't even had a chance to enjoy being a new mom to Evan and do the things I had planned because I was stuck in the hospital.  They were telling me that I wouldn't EVER have the chance to do those things.  I felt like my whole world was falling apart.  Dr. Yoo said that it was extremely important not to put any extra stress on my heart and that my blood pressure needed to go down before we could even think about going home.  How in the hell is my blood pressure supposed to go down when they deliver such awful news?!?!  I cried for hours and I REALLY wanted to go home and hold Evan and squeeze him and kiss him and love him as much as I could.  Aaron was really upset. He was told the day before and had requested that HE be the one to break the news to me, gently, at a later time. 

     On Friday, Evan was discharged.  He was being well taken care of at my mom and dad's house with all of the Aunties and Uncles there.  I was sad that I couldn't be with him, but I knew that I needed to stay at the hospital so I could get well so I would be able to take care of him. 

   When my blood pressure started to go down, they lowered the nitroglycerin and my headaches finally went away.  At one point, my blood pressure got so low that I almost passed out.  I found out later that they kind of expected it because they had to try and figure out how much medication it would take to lower it.  Well, I found out the hard way.  It happened 2 more times before they finally adjusted it to where it needed to be.
 
     On Saturday, I was moved to the Cardiac Care Unit.  I was still on IVs and oxygen, but I didn't have the blood pressure cuff or the monitor anymore.  I was able to get up and walk around and sit in a chair.  It was nice.  I was still sad that I had to be there and miss out on many of Evan's firsts.  Aaron stayed the night with me and I was so glad that I cried.  I had felt so alone, even with all of the visitors.  On Sunday, Aaron went to stay with my mom and dad so he could be with Evan.  I was all alone again, and cried some more, but I had a surprise coming and I was very excited.

     On Monday, Aaron brought Evan to see me.  I was so happy I cried...again.  I hadn't seen him in a few days and he looked like a whole new baby.  He wasn't yellow anymore, but that wasn't what was different.  He was growing and changing and I felt like I was missing it.  I was angry that I couldn't leave.  I was however very grateful that the nurses had pushed for me to have a private room so I could spend as much time with Evan as I wanted. :)

     I was so glad that I was able to spend time with Evan, but I think that being away from him made me appreciate him more.  Not being with him made me realize how much of a blessing he is.  I don't take anything he does for granted.  I am so glad that I have the opportunity to be his mommy.