An End to a Beginning...

     I believe that God will only give me what I can handle and no more.  I think that I have handled all that He has given me, the best I can.  I am sticking to my nutritional guidelines. (I have had enough of writing down every little thing that I put in my mouth!)  I am attempting to exercise.  (Its kind of hard with a newborn, but we're trying to get the hang of the Moby wrap.) All the while, I'm trying my hardest to be a great mom.  I am just 6 weeks post-partum, so I would have to say that I am doing quite well under the circumstances.  Evan and I are trying to get ourselves into a daily routine.  I tend to mess it up sometimes when I pick him up while he's sleeping.  I just I feel the need to be close to him.  I still can't believe that God allows us to make such amazing creatures, and he even let me keep just the perfect one for our family.  It has definitely been an emotional roller coaster for us, to say the least, but I just keep smiling and try to be a good wife and mom.

     I am ever so grateful for all that I have.  I have a beautiful baby boy who already has the most gentle soul.  I have an amazing husband who is willing to do anything for his family.  I have a loving and caring family who I wouldn't trade for the world.  Even though I have all of this, I still find myself somewhat resentful.  I get angry that so many women out there can have all the babies they want, yet they take it and their children for granted.  So many women don't enjoy the time they spend growing their child within their womb.  I miss that part the most I think.  The ability to feed and grow another human life, knowing that you are the sole provider for all of their needs and that you are their ultimate protector.  I cried when I came home from the hospital and had to put away all of my maternity clothes, some of which were almost brand new.  I had lost so much weight that I was able to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes already. I weigh less now than I did BEFORE I got pregnant with Evan. Aaron tried to help by saying how much fun it would be to go shopping and get new clothes for myself now that I was smaller.  For a lot of women, they can't wait to get their old shape back.  For me, I wish I was still big and fat with a post-baby belly.  I put my favorite outfits into a container and put them in storage along with my hopes and dreams of ever being able to wear them again.    I didn't really think much of it after that.  I was trying to get on with my life.  I was happy being a mommy and I was busy doing mommy and Evan things.

     I had a bittersweet moment earlier today though while I was putting away Evan's clean clothes.  I realized that some of them were NOT going to fit him anymore. We were worried  at his last Dr. appointment that he wasn't quite growing enough.  We really shouldn't have been worried.  I had no idea how fast he would grow.  He has gained 2 pounds since his 1 month check-up, and is now in size 1 diapers.  We are so happy that he is growing and doing well. He has outgrown most of his newborn clothes.  A lot of them were in the wash when we had to switch to the 0-3 month clothes.  As I was setting them aside from the rest of the clothes, I stopped for a minute and imagined Evan wearing them just a short week before.  I remembered having to go out and buy newborn stuff when he was born because he was just too small for all of the things we had for him to wear.  He was so itty bitty.  His tiny little hands and feet.  His skinny little arms and legs.  I had a hot flash, and a wave of nausea rolled over me.  I literally felt sick to my stomach.  It had finally hit me...I'm not going to be pregnant again.  I won't be able to feel the most amazing feeling of kicking and moving inside of me.  I won't feel the joy of bringing another life into this world.  I had wanted so badly to have a big family and I had such an amazing birth experience with Evan.  The thought NEVER occurred to me that it might just be the three of us.  I felt cheated.  I cried.  I cried hard and held Evan close so I could smell him and lavish him with kisses.  And then I cried some more.  I will probably continue crying every time Evan outgrows another batch of clothes, or when he starts to crawl, or walk or do anything for the first time.  I guess it is all just part of the healing process for me.

     I AM grateful.  No, I am more than grateful.  I am beyond blessed that God has given me the greatest gift He could possibly give someone.  He has bestowed upon me, the gift of Motherhood.  I couldn't have asked for anything more special than the honor of raising a child.  I have the opportunity to share my love with another human being in a way that I never thought was possible.  I  have the privilege to share with Evan all the wonders of the world and so much more.  I can only hope that someday I will be well enough to share my love with another child.   If that doesn't happen, I will still cherish every single moment that I am able spend with Evan, for the rest of my life.