I felt like the main attraction in a circus. There were tons of new doctors coming in to see me all the time, OBs, General Docs, Interns, and Cardiologists. Everyone asked the same questions. They all wanted to listen to my heart and my lungs. Not one of them came to see me more than once. It was just annoying. I was tired of being hooked up to machines. I felt like they a pincushion. I was bored and exhausted and just wanted to go home and be a new family with Aaron and Evan. After my blood pressure had gone down a little, and I wasn't on as much nitroglycerin, I was finally able to get out of my bed and sit in a chair. Then a new Cardiologist, Dr. Yoo, came in and explained what needed to happen in order for me to be healthy enough to go home. I was NOT prepared for what came out of his mouth. He told me that I would NOT be able to breastfeed Evan when I went home because I would be on medication for a long time, I started to cry. He then proceeded to tell me that I shouldn't have any more children because I would have a relapse and it would probably kill me. I was crushed. I hadn't even had a chance to enjoy being a new mom to Evan and do the things I had planned because I was stuck in the hospital. They were telling me that I wouldn't EVER have the chance to do those things. I felt like my whole world was falling apart. Dr. Yoo said that it was extremely important not to put any extra stress on my heart and that my blood pressure needed to go down before we could even think about going home. How in the hell is my blood pressure supposed to go down when they deliver such awful news?!?! I cried for hours and I REALLY wanted to go home and hold Evan and squeeze him and kiss him and love him as much as I could. Aaron was really upset. He was told the day before and had requested that HE be the one to break the news to me, gently, at a later time.
On Friday, Evan was discharged. He was being well taken care of at my mom and dad's house with all of the Aunties and Uncles there. I was sad that I couldn't be with him, but I knew that I needed to stay at the hospital so I could get well so I would be able to take care of him.
When my blood pressure started to go down, they lowered the nitroglycerin and my headaches finally went away. At one point, my blood pressure got so low that I almost passed out. I found out later that they kind of expected it because they had to try and figure out how much medication it would take to lower it. Well, I found out the hard way. It happened 2 more times before they finally adjusted it to where it needed to be.
On Saturday, I was moved to the Cardiac Care Unit. I was still on IVs and oxygen, but I didn't have the blood pressure cuff or the monitor anymore. I was able to get up and walk around and sit in a chair. It was nice. I was still sad that I had to be there and miss out on many of Evan's firsts. Aaron stayed the night with me and I was so glad that I cried. I had felt so alone, even with all of the visitors. On Sunday, Aaron went to stay with my mom and dad so he could be with Evan. I was all alone again, and cried some more, but I had a surprise coming and I was very excited.
On Monday, Aaron brought Evan to see me. I was so happy I cried...again. I hadn't seen him in a few days and he looked like a whole new baby. He wasn't yellow anymore, but that wasn't what was different. He was growing and changing and I felt like I was missing it. I was angry that I couldn't leave. I was however very grateful that the nurses had pushed for me to have a private room so I could spend as much time with Evan as I wanted. :)
I was so glad that I was able to spend time with Evan, but I think that being away from him made me appreciate him more. Not being with him made me realize how much of a blessing he is. I don't take anything he does for granted. I am so glad that I have the opportunity to be his mommy.
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