Feeling pretty good...

     So I was feeling pretty crappy for the last month or so.  My nerves were a  bit on the high side and it made me feel anxious.  After going to the doctor last week I discovered that I really do have anxiety.  So I have been taking medication for it and after just one week of it, I feel amazing.  I haven't felt this good since before I gave birth to Evan.  I am not all about taking medication, but man does this stuff really work.  I don't feel scared or nervous anymore.  I feel more alert and aware of what is going on.  I really think that I am just functioning better in general.  It makes me happy that I am feeling well enough to be the great mom that I always knew I would be.  I wake up in the middle of the night to feed Evan and I am actually able to stay awake to feed him and interact with him while he is eating.  I wake up in the morning with a smile and look forward to the day that is awaiting Evan and I.  I have a whole new outlook on my future and the future of my family.  I have a renewed sense of self and my place in this world.  I realize now that my anxiety was being masked and that I have had it for a while but I was on such a "baby high" for the first couple of months that it just finally started showing itself.  I am glad that I have such a great support system, my family is the best.  I couldn't have gotten through these past 3 months without them.  I am so excited for what is in store for my family and I can't wait for all of the memories we are going to make. :) 

     On a totally different note...My baby sister is getting MARRIED tomorrow!  I couldn't be happier for her.  We have been waiting for this day for her for a long time.  Now that it is finally upon us, it is a bit surreal. :) I wish Andrea and Joe all the best.  May you have many wonder-filled years together! :) I love you both! :)

We're growing bigger every day!

Hope

I have been having a hard time lately.  I have felt extremely overwhelmed at times and feel like every little twinge of pain means that there is something wrong with me.  I often think that I am relapsing or that I am not getting any better.  I worry that I am just not working hard enough to help my heart get better.  I know that I am trying, Aaron and I are both working very hard to make sure I stick to my diet, and I am well within my limitations.  I am proud of myself for how much I have done and how much I have had to change in such a short period of time.  I am lucky to have a husband who is so willing to change too so that I don't feel left out.  Not many people would do that for their spouse.  Yet every day I worry and get scared for no reason.  I thought I was doing so well, but when it comes down to it, I am nothing but a hot mess. 
A few days ago, my mom gave me a special card, she is always looking for cutesy stuff like that for us girls.  I hat to admit it, but I love the crazy little things she finds. :)  This particular card had a picture of some calla lillies and the word HOPE on the front.  On the back is a great verse from Jeremiah.  What was interesting about this card is that I had just seen a rubber stamp @ Hobby Lobby with the same word, and verse on it.  I wanted to remember it so I took a picture of it on my phone.  I thought it was interesting that of all of the cutesy stuff that my mom likes to buy, she chose this specific one for me.  How ironic...

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.  Then when you call upon me and come pray to me, I will hear you.  When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart..."  Jeremiah 29:11-13

I love this verse.  It makes me think of all of the ladies, my "heart sisters" who are there for me and offer guidance and hope for a better future, who let me know that it is going to be OK and that everything that I am feeling, they have felt too and it WILL get better.  I know that God does have a special plan for me, he definitely isn't ready for me yet.  I have a lot more work to do here before I go, so I don't plan on leaving any time soon.  I also know that the Lord will give me no more than what I can handle...I just wish sometimes that he didn't have such high expectations of me. :)

A good day gets even better

So today was a pretty good day.  Evan is having yet another growth spurt, he & I are trying to figure out just how much he wants to eat.  We tried 4-6 oz every 4-6 hours, a few weeks ago, but he was constantly spitting up so we had to cut back.  Then,  he was eating 4 oz every 3-4 hours and that was fine.  Now he's wanting  4 oz every 2-3 hours.  I don't mind that kind of schedule since I am at home with him during the day, but it has totally thrown off his sleeping schedule.  He was sleeping 5-6 hours every night and would wake up, eat,  and then go back to sleep.  Now he eats, and wants to stay up for a while, THEN go back to sleep.  Today I decided that since it seemed like he was hungry ALL THE TIME, it might be a good idea to try and give him a little bit more than 4 oz.  He a really happy guy after that.  He was awake and alert and was really having fun.  He even giggled at me and Aaron for the very first time!  He is amazing!  Anywho, he ate 6 oz  about 2 hours ago, and NO spit-up whatsoever! Yay.  Maybe we can keep this up and he will go back to sleeping through the night again.  That would be awful nice of him.  :)

Been a while...

It has been a while since I have posted something and I have a minute to myself.  I figured I should write while I have the opportunity.  This post is about me and how I have been feeling the past few weeks.  I'm not sure if it has anything to do with hormones or not, but this is just how I feel.

I’m just so Tired…

Tired of being tired

Tired of being sad

Tired of being scared

Tired of feeling bad

Tired of being a burden

Tired of being alone

Tired of all the pain

Tired of the unknown

Tired of being angry

Tired of being nervous

Tired of being doubtful

Tired of feeling worthless

Tired of being weary

Tired of being unhappy

Tired of being fearful

Tired of feeling sorry

Tired of being a hassle

Tired of feeling lonesome

Tired of that constant ache

Tired of my future and what may never come

Tired of being frustrated

Tired of feeling edgy

Tired of being uncertain

Tired of feeling empty

And tired that I won’t ever be,

Just plain old ME…

Not-so-happy camper...

     So, Tuesday I had an appointment with the cardiologist.  I had a huge list of questions for him and I was hoping to get some positive answers.  I just wanted to know that I could do "normal" stuff again.  I was none too enthused when he crushed my hopes of getting better soon.  He was also very cold and not too optimistic about my approach to natural healing.  I want to go to the chiropractor, he said, "That doesn't really work.  It's only psychological."  I wanted to start taking some supplements.  He said "They won't work, it's a waste of money".  I have been wanting a new tattoo for more than 5 years now, and I have found the perfect design that represents me and the struggles that I have been through in the last few months. He said, "I wouldn't recommend it."  (I think that was more of a personal preference on his part and not so much a medical reason.)  He also said that I needed to stop eating so much broccoli because it is screwing up the results of my blood tests (it has to do with the Coumadin that I am on). That stinks because the only thing that tastes good without salt is COOKED BROCCOLI! Did he offer a solution to my predicament? Nope.  He just said either to eat it EVERY single day, or not at all.  I understand why, but I don't get why he didn't suggest something for a compromise.  :(

     I was fairly angry with him at this point, but got plain ol' pissed off when he made his next comment.  He asked me if I was breastfeeding!  I almost fell out of my chair.  Did he completely forget that he was the one who told me NOT to breastfeed Evan when I went home from the hospital?!?!  Did he forget that HE said that the medications I would be on would leach into the breast milk and make Evan sick?!?!  I was so angry!  HE was the one who prescribed the meds!!!!  Was he saying what I think he was saying?, that I COULD have breastfed Evan when I was released?  Why didn't he tell me that, why didn't anybody tell me it was OK????  :(  I can't believe he let me pump and dump and get Evan all situated with formula when I could have been giving my son the best nourishment possible this whole time! 

     As I waited for more unwanted words to come out of his mouth, I sat and thought for a minute that maybe I needed to find a new cardiologist.  I need someone who is going to be on the same wavelength with me, or rather someone who I wouldn't mind being on the same wavelength with.  I wouldn't mind one who is female who would be better able to answer my female questions.  And I wouldn't mind one who would be more open to "natural" healing and such.  I needed someone who was going to be more in tune to my thoughts and feelings about this whole condition and new lifestyle.

     After what seemed like an hour of wasting my breath asking questions that he seemed to not really want to answer, the cardiologist said he was adding ANOTHER medication (to my already long list of drugs!) since I WASN'T breastfeeding of course.  He said that it is supposed to help keep my blood pressure low since it had been a bit high. I am already taking one that helps lower it so I am not quite sure why he wants me to take another one, but I guess since I'm not the doctor I don't have much say in the matter.  I discovered, however, that after taking it just once that it makes my blood pressure drop way down, 88-99 over 65-70.  The last time my BP was that low was when I was in the ICU and it made me dizzy and I almost passed out.  It worries me a bit.  I can't be on a medication that might potentially make me pass out.  Especially when I am the sole caregiver for Evan during the day. I think that it just makes me nervous.  And I really don't need ANY other stuff added to my list of things that make me nervous or anxious right now. 

     I go back to see the cardiologist in a month, so we'll see what happens then.

New Blog

I decided to start a new blog in the hopes of helping other people who may be in a situation similar to mine.  It is still under a bit of construction, but I do have some helpful information posted in the mean time. :)  Enjoy!

http://tastes-like-cardboard.blogspot.com/

It's been a while...

     It has been a while since I posted anything, so I decided I should try while Evan is content at the moment.  To fill you all in on the goings on lately, I will start with the beginning of May.  Evan had his very first sleepover (on purpose) with my mom and dad so Aaron and I could get a good nights sleep.  It was weird.  I missed Evan, but knew that I needed the sleep.  I had my very first Mother's Day.  It was nice.  Aaron and I stayed at home for dinner, it is just easier for me to cook because of my special diet.  We watched some movies and I think I even went to bed early. :) 
     I am still doing well with my diet, fluid restriction and remembering to take my medications.  My blood pressure is where it should be, and I am maintaining my weight.  I really have been doing well, but the other day something happened. All of a sudden I didn't feel right.  I got a little light headed and dizzy, so I took my nighttime medication since it was time, and I checked my blood pressure.  It was elevated and so was my pulse. I sat down and tried to focus my breathing hoping it would help.  I was scared. I thought I was having a relapse.  I called the cardiologist who was on-call and he said it wouldn't be a bad idea to go to the ER and get checked out.  It is amazing how fast you get seen in the ER when you have a heart condition.  We waited 2 minutes at the most and the waiting room was PACKED.  After tests and chest x-rays, and blood-work, and seeing a few doctors, I was released.  It was deduced that I was having a bit of an anxiety attack.  They gave me some Ativan and sent me home.  I don't know if it worked that night, because by the time we got home, it was 3 am, so I slept like a baby regardless of what they gave me.  Plus, my mom and dad too Evan home with them for the night so he didn't have to stay in the hospital with us. I was given a small Rx for Ativan, but I can only take it at bedtime since it makes me sleepy.  I have an appointment with my regular Doctor tomorrow afternoon to follow up.  I am hoping she gives me something that I can take for this anxiety that won't hinder my ability to function and be a mom.  We'll see how it goes. :)

An End to a Beginning...

     I believe that God will only give me what I can handle and no more.  I think that I have handled all that He has given me, the best I can.  I am sticking to my nutritional guidelines. (I have had enough of writing down every little thing that I put in my mouth!)  I am attempting to exercise.  (Its kind of hard with a newborn, but we're trying to get the hang of the Moby wrap.) All the while, I'm trying my hardest to be a great mom.  I am just 6 weeks post-partum, so I would have to say that I am doing quite well under the circumstances.  Evan and I are trying to get ourselves into a daily routine.  I tend to mess it up sometimes when I pick him up while he's sleeping.  I just I feel the need to be close to him.  I still can't believe that God allows us to make such amazing creatures, and he even let me keep just the perfect one for our family.  It has definitely been an emotional roller coaster for us, to say the least, but I just keep smiling and try to be a good wife and mom.

     I am ever so grateful for all that I have.  I have a beautiful baby boy who already has the most gentle soul.  I have an amazing husband who is willing to do anything for his family.  I have a loving and caring family who I wouldn't trade for the world.  Even though I have all of this, I still find myself somewhat resentful.  I get angry that so many women out there can have all the babies they want, yet they take it and their children for granted.  So many women don't enjoy the time they spend growing their child within their womb.  I miss that part the most I think.  The ability to feed and grow another human life, knowing that you are the sole provider for all of their needs and that you are their ultimate protector.  I cried when I came home from the hospital and had to put away all of my maternity clothes, some of which were almost brand new.  I had lost so much weight that I was able to fit into my pre-pregnancy clothes already. I weigh less now than I did BEFORE I got pregnant with Evan. Aaron tried to help by saying how much fun it would be to go shopping and get new clothes for myself now that I was smaller.  For a lot of women, they can't wait to get their old shape back.  For me, I wish I was still big and fat with a post-baby belly.  I put my favorite outfits into a container and put them in storage along with my hopes and dreams of ever being able to wear them again.    I didn't really think much of it after that.  I was trying to get on with my life.  I was happy being a mommy and I was busy doing mommy and Evan things.

     I had a bittersweet moment earlier today though while I was putting away Evan's clean clothes.  I realized that some of them were NOT going to fit him anymore. We were worried  at his last Dr. appointment that he wasn't quite growing enough.  We really shouldn't have been worried.  I had no idea how fast he would grow.  He has gained 2 pounds since his 1 month check-up, and is now in size 1 diapers.  We are so happy that he is growing and doing well. He has outgrown most of his newborn clothes.  A lot of them were in the wash when we had to switch to the 0-3 month clothes.  As I was setting them aside from the rest of the clothes, I stopped for a minute and imagined Evan wearing them just a short week before.  I remembered having to go out and buy newborn stuff when he was born because he was just too small for all of the things we had for him to wear.  He was so itty bitty.  His tiny little hands and feet.  His skinny little arms and legs.  I had a hot flash, and a wave of nausea rolled over me.  I literally felt sick to my stomach.  It had finally hit me...I'm not going to be pregnant again.  I won't be able to feel the most amazing feeling of kicking and moving inside of me.  I won't feel the joy of bringing another life into this world.  I had wanted so badly to have a big family and I had such an amazing birth experience with Evan.  The thought NEVER occurred to me that it might just be the three of us.  I felt cheated.  I cried.  I cried hard and held Evan close so I could smell him and lavish him with kisses.  And then I cried some more.  I will probably continue crying every time Evan outgrows another batch of clothes, or when he starts to crawl, or walk or do anything for the first time.  I guess it is all just part of the healing process for me.

     I AM grateful.  No, I am more than grateful.  I am beyond blessed that God has given me the greatest gift He could possibly give someone.  He has bestowed upon me, the gift of Motherhood.  I couldn't have asked for anything more special than the honor of raising a child.  I have the opportunity to share my love with another human being in a way that I never thought was possible.  I  have the privilege to share with Evan all the wonders of the world and so much more.  I can only hope that someday I will be well enough to share my love with another child.   If that doesn't happen, I will still cherish every single moment that I am able spend with Evan, for the rest of my life.

The Next Chapter

   My prayers were answered that Tuesday morning, and I was so wrong about what I was actually capable of doing. Aaron went back to work a few weeks ago and it is finally starting to feel like we are a real family.   I am a fully functioning member of society.  I can take care of Evan better than anyone else in the world can.  I am eating healthier because of my heart condition and am monitoring myself well.  It has been 1 month since our nightmare ended and I was released from the hospital. It's been an interesting ride to say the least.  I have an appointment to see the cardiologist in a few weeks to see how I am doing.  I hope he decides to do some tests to see how well my heart is now.  It will be nice to see if my hard work has paid off. :) 

     Evan is doing great. He is growing like a weed and changing every single day.  I have decided to take a picture of him every day until he is a year old.  I wanted to take pictures so I don't miss out on anything. We went to the orthopedic surgeon @ U of M the other day and she says that Evan is just fine.  As of right now he does NOT need surgery on his legs.  We couldn't be happier.  She doesn't deal with  the cosmetic part of ABS, so she is referring us to a hand surgeon that she works with to check out his hand.   Now we are just waiting for their phone call.




One day old




Two weeks old




Almost 6 weeks old