Echo Update...

So technically the Echo tech's couldn't "tell" me anything about my Ejection Fraction, and I was really disappointed.  I REALLY didn't want to wait until August 16th for my cardiologist to tell me whats up.  But...the technicians were super sweet and they said, "Well, we can't tell you NOT to look at the screen, and if per chance we 'accidentally' leave some numbers up for a minute, we can't do anything about it."  So, it looks like they are putting it in my records as being 40%. (Up from 25% at the end of March when I was diagnosed.) YAY!!!  It is such a relief to know that what I am doing is working and helping me to get better.  I am hoping that when I go for my 6 month echo, I get even better news.  :)  I am so happy that I finally have some answers.  Now I can go about my life and keep doing what I am doing knowing that it is all ok. :)

Today is the day...

Today I woke up early (if you call 8:30 early).  I am by myself enjoing the quiet, it is weird though, having "me time".  I can hear Evan starting to stir in his sleep...I wonder if he can tell when I am awake...In the quiet hours of the morning I am trying to ready myself for the events of the day.  I wanted to sleep in, but have too much on my mind for that. So, I am up and awake and ready for the day...

We leave for Houghton Lake for a week on Saturday morning and I couldn't be more excited.  We will be spending it with my mom and dad~like we do every year...but next year I think we will get our own cabin-we are outgrowing theirs :) We have needed a vacation...Aaron has needed a vacation and is extremely deserving of it for all of his hard work in the past 4 months.  We are going to be out and about getting last minute things ready for our travels and time away from home.  Most importantly, FISHING LICENCES!!! It is pretty much the only time of year that I fish, but it is a great way for me to spend time with my dad, and I am pretty good at if I do say so myself~pictures to come later of my big catch.  :)

I am so nervous.  I could hardly sleep last night and when I finally did fall asleep, I woke up every few hours, WIDE awake.  Today is also the day of my 3 month echocardiogram, even though it is closer to 4 months after my diagnosis.  I won't see my cardiologist to discuss the results until the middle of next month.  I am hoping that the echo tech will be able to let me know at least what my ejection fraction is`how well my heart is pumping.  I have been doing extremely good at following my diet and fluid restrictions, and I ALWAYS remember to take my medication.  I know that I am feeling good, and that SHOULD be all that matters...BUT I really want physical proof that I am doing well and on my way to recovery.  The only way for me to know that for sure is to see it for myself on the echo and for the tech to tell me what my EF is.  We shall see.  I will post an update later.  For now, I will just try to relax, maybe do a puzzle on Jigzone, and wait for my Dad to arrive to watch Evan while Aaron and I head off to Sparrow. 

Wish me Luck! :)

Off to Dream Land...

I have always been one of those people who looked at other parents and said, "When I have kids I'm not gonna do that."  I will never again say that.  I HAVE done that...I have done all the things that I said I wouldn't do when I became a parent.  I think that it is easy for people who have never had children to judge or decide to do things differently.  Until you have the experience of bringing life into this world, you have NO idea what you will or will not do.  I always said that I wouldn't hold my baby all day long, yet I find that my arms ache when Evan is not in them.  I always said that my baby would NEVER sleep in my bed because it would interfere with the intimacy of my marriage, yet I wake up in the middle of the night just waiting for Evan to cry so I can run to him and bring him back to bed with me.  He has had a rough time sleeping, pretty much since he was born, and we have had to make some adjustments to our thoughts and feelings of how we had wanted his sleep habits to work.  From 0-3 months old, Evan had an infant startle reflex that would cause him to wake himself up if his arms were loose.  He would only sleep in his bed if he were swaddled and napped in my arms during the day.  When he grew too big for the sleep-sac with the swaddle wrap, we referred to our midwives who make GIANT swaddle blankets...They saved our sanity.  When he outgrew those, or it was too hot to swaddle, I would bring him to bed with me and we would fall asleep together.  Then I would wake up and put him in his own bed for the night.  My body ached from sleeping so stiffly while he was in our bed.  Thankfully, that didn't last very long.  Recently, Evan has begun sleeping by himself, in his own bed, WITHOUT being swaddled.  He is of course still rocked/held until he falls asleep, but he stays asleep in bed ALL night long! Yay!  I am so excited because now he can wear all of his cute sleepers and sleep-sacks.  He has a TON and now we can actually use them. :)  Here are a few pictures of our little guy in his sleepwear and on his way to dreamland...

Mommy wanted to snuggle in her bed!

Sleeping soundly...

Getting ready for bed...but I'm WIDE awake!

Look at me sleeping so peacefully in my cute sleep gown!
(I think I'm going to be a side sleeper when I get older.)

Feeling pretty good...

     So I was feeling pretty crappy for the last month or so.  My nerves were a  bit on the high side and it made me feel anxious.  After going to the doctor last week I discovered that I really do have anxiety.  So I have been taking medication for it and after just one week of it, I feel amazing.  I haven't felt this good since before I gave birth to Evan.  I am not all about taking medication, but man does this stuff really work.  I don't feel scared or nervous anymore.  I feel more alert and aware of what is going on.  I really think that I am just functioning better in general.  It makes me happy that I am feeling well enough to be the great mom that I always knew I would be.  I wake up in the middle of the night to feed Evan and I am actually able to stay awake to feed him and interact with him while he is eating.  I wake up in the morning with a smile and look forward to the day that is awaiting Evan and I.  I have a whole new outlook on my future and the future of my family.  I have a renewed sense of self and my place in this world.  I realize now that my anxiety was being masked and that I have had it for a while but I was on such a "baby high" for the first couple of months that it just finally started showing itself.  I am glad that I have such a great support system, my family is the best.  I couldn't have gotten through these past 3 months without them.  I am so excited for what is in store for my family and I can't wait for all of the memories we are going to make. :) 

     On a totally different note...My baby sister is getting MARRIED tomorrow!  I couldn't be happier for her.  We have been waiting for this day for her for a long time.  Now that it is finally upon us, it is a bit surreal. :) I wish Andrea and Joe all the best.  May you have many wonder-filled years together! :) I love you both! :)

We're growing bigger every day!

Hope

I have been having a hard time lately.  I have felt extremely overwhelmed at times and feel like every little twinge of pain means that there is something wrong with me.  I often think that I am relapsing or that I am not getting any better.  I worry that I am just not working hard enough to help my heart get better.  I know that I am trying, Aaron and I are both working very hard to make sure I stick to my diet, and I am well within my limitations.  I am proud of myself for how much I have done and how much I have had to change in such a short period of time.  I am lucky to have a husband who is so willing to change too so that I don't feel left out.  Not many people would do that for their spouse.  Yet every day I worry and get scared for no reason.  I thought I was doing so well, but when it comes down to it, I am nothing but a hot mess. 
A few days ago, my mom gave me a special card, she is always looking for cutesy stuff like that for us girls.  I hat to admit it, but I love the crazy little things she finds. :)  This particular card had a picture of some calla lillies and the word HOPE on the front.  On the back is a great verse from Jeremiah.  What was interesting about this card is that I had just seen a rubber stamp @ Hobby Lobby with the same word, and verse on it.  I wanted to remember it so I took a picture of it on my phone.  I thought it was interesting that of all of the cutesy stuff that my mom likes to buy, she chose this specific one for me.  How ironic...

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.  Then when you call upon me and come pray to me, I will hear you.  When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart..."  Jeremiah 29:11-13

I love this verse.  It makes me think of all of the ladies, my "heart sisters" who are there for me and offer guidance and hope for a better future, who let me know that it is going to be OK and that everything that I am feeling, they have felt too and it WILL get better.  I know that God does have a special plan for me, he definitely isn't ready for me yet.  I have a lot more work to do here before I go, so I don't plan on leaving any time soon.  I also know that the Lord will give me no more than what I can handle...I just wish sometimes that he didn't have such high expectations of me. :)

A good day gets even better

So today was a pretty good day.  Evan is having yet another growth spurt, he & I are trying to figure out just how much he wants to eat.  We tried 4-6 oz every 4-6 hours, a few weeks ago, but he was constantly spitting up so we had to cut back.  Then,  he was eating 4 oz every 3-4 hours and that was fine.  Now he's wanting  4 oz every 2-3 hours.  I don't mind that kind of schedule since I am at home with him during the day, but it has totally thrown off his sleeping schedule.  He was sleeping 5-6 hours every night and would wake up, eat,  and then go back to sleep.  Now he eats, and wants to stay up for a while, THEN go back to sleep.  Today I decided that since it seemed like he was hungry ALL THE TIME, it might be a good idea to try and give him a little bit more than 4 oz.  He a really happy guy after that.  He was awake and alert and was really having fun.  He even giggled at me and Aaron for the very first time!  He is amazing!  Anywho, he ate 6 oz  about 2 hours ago, and NO spit-up whatsoever! Yay.  Maybe we can keep this up and he will go back to sleeping through the night again.  That would be awful nice of him.  :)

Been a while...

It has been a while since I have posted something and I have a minute to myself.  I figured I should write while I have the opportunity.  This post is about me and how I have been feeling the past few weeks.  I'm not sure if it has anything to do with hormones or not, but this is just how I feel.

I’m just so Tired…

Tired of being tired

Tired of being sad

Tired of being scared

Tired of feeling bad

Tired of being a burden

Tired of being alone

Tired of all the pain

Tired of the unknown

Tired of being angry

Tired of being nervous

Tired of being doubtful

Tired of feeling worthless

Tired of being weary

Tired of being unhappy

Tired of being fearful

Tired of feeling sorry

Tired of being a hassle

Tired of feeling lonesome

Tired of that constant ache

Tired of my future and what may never come

Tired of being frustrated

Tired of feeling edgy

Tired of being uncertain

Tired of feeling empty

And tired that I won’t ever be,

Just plain old ME…

Not-so-happy camper...

     So, Tuesday I had an appointment with the cardiologist.  I had a huge list of questions for him and I was hoping to get some positive answers.  I just wanted to know that I could do "normal" stuff again.  I was none too enthused when he crushed my hopes of getting better soon.  He was also very cold and not too optimistic about my approach to natural healing.  I want to go to the chiropractor, he said, "That doesn't really work.  It's only psychological."  I wanted to start taking some supplements.  He said "They won't work, it's a waste of money".  I have been wanting a new tattoo for more than 5 years now, and I have found the perfect design that represents me and the struggles that I have been through in the last few months. He said, "I wouldn't recommend it."  (I think that was more of a personal preference on his part and not so much a medical reason.)  He also said that I needed to stop eating so much broccoli because it is screwing up the results of my blood tests (it has to do with the Coumadin that I am on). That stinks because the only thing that tastes good without salt is COOKED BROCCOLI! Did he offer a solution to my predicament? Nope.  He just said either to eat it EVERY single day, or not at all.  I understand why, but I don't get why he didn't suggest something for a compromise.  :(

     I was fairly angry with him at this point, but got plain ol' pissed off when he made his next comment.  He asked me if I was breastfeeding!  I almost fell out of my chair.  Did he completely forget that he was the one who told me NOT to breastfeed Evan when I went home from the hospital?!?!  Did he forget that HE said that the medications I would be on would leach into the breast milk and make Evan sick?!?!  I was so angry!  HE was the one who prescribed the meds!!!!  Was he saying what I think he was saying?, that I COULD have breastfed Evan when I was released?  Why didn't he tell me that, why didn't anybody tell me it was OK????  :(  I can't believe he let me pump and dump and get Evan all situated with formula when I could have been giving my son the best nourishment possible this whole time! 

     As I waited for more unwanted words to come out of his mouth, I sat and thought for a minute that maybe I needed to find a new cardiologist.  I need someone who is going to be on the same wavelength with me, or rather someone who I wouldn't mind being on the same wavelength with.  I wouldn't mind one who is female who would be better able to answer my female questions.  And I wouldn't mind one who would be more open to "natural" healing and such.  I needed someone who was going to be more in tune to my thoughts and feelings about this whole condition and new lifestyle.

     After what seemed like an hour of wasting my breath asking questions that he seemed to not really want to answer, the cardiologist said he was adding ANOTHER medication (to my already long list of drugs!) since I WASN'T breastfeeding of course.  He said that it is supposed to help keep my blood pressure low since it had been a bit high. I am already taking one that helps lower it so I am not quite sure why he wants me to take another one, but I guess since I'm not the doctor I don't have much say in the matter.  I discovered, however, that after taking it just once that it makes my blood pressure drop way down, 88-99 over 65-70.  The last time my BP was that low was when I was in the ICU and it made me dizzy and I almost passed out.  It worries me a bit.  I can't be on a medication that might potentially make me pass out.  Especially when I am the sole caregiver for Evan during the day. I think that it just makes me nervous.  And I really don't need ANY other stuff added to my list of things that make me nervous or anxious right now. 

     I go back to see the cardiologist in a month, so we'll see what happens then.

New Blog

I decided to start a new blog in the hopes of helping other people who may be in a situation similar to mine.  It is still under a bit of construction, but I do have some helpful information posted in the mean time. :)  Enjoy!

http://tastes-like-cardboard.blogspot.com/