Feeling pretty good...

     So I was feeling pretty crappy for the last month or so.  My nerves were a  bit on the high side and it made me feel anxious.  After going to the doctor last week I discovered that I really do have anxiety.  So I have been taking medication for it and after just one week of it, I feel amazing.  I haven't felt this good since before I gave birth to Evan.  I am not all about taking medication, but man does this stuff really work.  I don't feel scared or nervous anymore.  I feel more alert and aware of what is going on.  I really think that I am just functioning better in general.  It makes me happy that I am feeling well enough to be the great mom that I always knew I would be.  I wake up in the middle of the night to feed Evan and I am actually able to stay awake to feed him and interact with him while he is eating.  I wake up in the morning with a smile and look forward to the day that is awaiting Evan and I.  I have a whole new outlook on my future and the future of my family.  I have a renewed sense of self and my place in this world.  I realize now that my anxiety was being masked and that I have had it for a while but I was on such a "baby high" for the first couple of months that it just finally started showing itself.  I am glad that I have such a great support system, my family is the best.  I couldn't have gotten through these past 3 months without them.  I am so excited for what is in store for my family and I can't wait for all of the memories we are going to make. :) 

     On a totally different note...My baby sister is getting MARRIED tomorrow!  I couldn't be happier for her.  We have been waiting for this day for her for a long time.  Now that it is finally upon us, it is a bit surreal. :) I wish Andrea and Joe all the best.  May you have many wonder-filled years together! :) I love you both! :)

We're growing bigger every day!

Hope

I have been having a hard time lately.  I have felt extremely overwhelmed at times and feel like every little twinge of pain means that there is something wrong with me.  I often think that I am relapsing or that I am not getting any better.  I worry that I am just not working hard enough to help my heart get better.  I know that I am trying, Aaron and I are both working very hard to make sure I stick to my diet, and I am well within my limitations.  I am proud of myself for how much I have done and how much I have had to change in such a short period of time.  I am lucky to have a husband who is so willing to change too so that I don't feel left out.  Not many people would do that for their spouse.  Yet every day I worry and get scared for no reason.  I thought I was doing so well, but when it comes down to it, I am nothing but a hot mess. 
A few days ago, my mom gave me a special card, she is always looking for cutesy stuff like that for us girls.  I hat to admit it, but I love the crazy little things she finds. :)  This particular card had a picture of some calla lillies and the word HOPE on the front.  On the back is a great verse from Jeremiah.  What was interesting about this card is that I had just seen a rubber stamp @ Hobby Lobby with the same word, and verse on it.  I wanted to remember it so I took a picture of it on my phone.  I thought it was interesting that of all of the cutesy stuff that my mom likes to buy, she chose this specific one for me.  How ironic...

"For surely I know the plans I have for you, says the LORD, plans for your welfare and not for harm, to give you a future with hope.  Then when you call upon me and come pray to me, I will hear you.  When you search for me, you will find me; if you seek me with all your heart..."  Jeremiah 29:11-13

I love this verse.  It makes me think of all of the ladies, my "heart sisters" who are there for me and offer guidance and hope for a better future, who let me know that it is going to be OK and that everything that I am feeling, they have felt too and it WILL get better.  I know that God does have a special plan for me, he definitely isn't ready for me yet.  I have a lot more work to do here before I go, so I don't plan on leaving any time soon.  I also know that the Lord will give me no more than what I can handle...I just wish sometimes that he didn't have such high expectations of me. :)

A good day gets even better

So today was a pretty good day.  Evan is having yet another growth spurt, he & I are trying to figure out just how much he wants to eat.  We tried 4-6 oz every 4-6 hours, a few weeks ago, but he was constantly spitting up so we had to cut back.  Then,  he was eating 4 oz every 3-4 hours and that was fine.  Now he's wanting  4 oz every 2-3 hours.  I don't mind that kind of schedule since I am at home with him during the day, but it has totally thrown off his sleeping schedule.  He was sleeping 5-6 hours every night and would wake up, eat,  and then go back to sleep.  Now he eats, and wants to stay up for a while, THEN go back to sleep.  Today I decided that since it seemed like he was hungry ALL THE TIME, it might be a good idea to try and give him a little bit more than 4 oz.  He a really happy guy after that.  He was awake and alert and was really having fun.  He even giggled at me and Aaron for the very first time!  He is amazing!  Anywho, he ate 6 oz  about 2 hours ago, and NO spit-up whatsoever! Yay.  Maybe we can keep this up and he will go back to sleeping through the night again.  That would be awful nice of him.  :)

Been a while...

It has been a while since I have posted something and I have a minute to myself.  I figured I should write while I have the opportunity.  This post is about me and how I have been feeling the past few weeks.  I'm not sure if it has anything to do with hormones or not, but this is just how I feel.

I’m just so Tired…

Tired of being tired

Tired of being sad

Tired of being scared

Tired of feeling bad

Tired of being a burden

Tired of being alone

Tired of all the pain

Tired of the unknown

Tired of being angry

Tired of being nervous

Tired of being doubtful

Tired of feeling worthless

Tired of being weary

Tired of being unhappy

Tired of being fearful

Tired of feeling sorry

Tired of being a hassle

Tired of feeling lonesome

Tired of that constant ache

Tired of my future and what may never come

Tired of being frustrated

Tired of feeling edgy

Tired of being uncertain

Tired of feeling empty

And tired that I won’t ever be,

Just plain old ME…